Roots of Parental Perfectionism: Blame the Parents!

If you are trying to understand what would make someone adopt a perfectionist parenting style, you don’t need to look too much further than society’s tendency to blame every imperfection in a child on the child’s parents.

This is not new to our generation and has probably been going on since the beginning of time. I read a recent reminder of this in an article in a Civil War historical magazine.

“Maternal Impression was a theory used to explain birth defects. A pregnant woman’s fantasies, dreams, shocks, frights, or injuries could be imprinted onto her unborn child. . . . Therefore, expectant mothers were confined at the first signs of pregnancy (one reason why some women hid the fact from family and friends by lacing their corsets tightly to fit in their dresses and remain in ‘society’ as long as possible) to ensure that they were not exposed to physical or emotional dangers that might affect their unborn child. . . . The state of mind of a nursing mother was just as important to keep free from disturbances, unnatural thoughts, and excessive worries as a pregnant woman. . . . Nursing mothers ‘under great anxiety or mental disturbances’ could cause a child’s sickness, convulsions or even death shortly after breastfeeding. . . . . . This theory covered the gap created by the lack of or conflicting medical knowledge and provided the parents with an explanation for their child’s deformities. It also placed the burden of responsibility squarely on the mother’s shoulders.”

–Elizabeth Topping, “Maternal Impression: The Burden of Motherhood,” The Citizens Companion, Nov-Dec, 2008.

Generational Differences

Every generation has a popular parenting style and a vocal group of people who adopt that style as the “best” way of raising children. Some of the trends we have seen over time:

• Children should be seen and not heard
• Corporal punishment (i.e. spanking) is necessary
• Don’t coddle your children too much or you will spoil them
• Children need schedules and routines
• Corporal punishment is child abuse
• Time out
• Co-sleeping
• Child-directed activities and learning
• Self-esteem and rewards
• Stay-at-home dads
• Working moms
• Day care

No matter which strategy you adopt, someone is sure to criticize you at some point that your method is deficient and will irreparably harm your child in some way.

The Perfectionist Parent Response

For the average parent, you take all these negative comments with a grain of salt, particularly when they come from well-meaning but opinionated strangers. Comments from close friends and family are a little harder to shrug off but if you generally feel confident in your parenting abilities, you know that you know your children the best and are the best person to decide how they should be raised.

For the perfectionist parent, however, parenting is fraught with insecurity. The perfectionist parent is more likely to research how to parent by reading all the latest books and theories or follow a particular strategy supported by his/her peer group. If anyone dares question the perfectionist’s parenting ability, the perfectionist parent can simply recite all the research supporting a particular parenting strategy.

Perfectionist parents may also be taking on too personal a role in their children’s lives and have difficulty accepting any criticism of their children as anything less than a criticism of their roles as parents or internalizing the child’s failure to achieve as the parents’ failure.

Perfectionist parents may also be attempting to shield their children from pain or embarrassment the parents experienced over their lifetime by preventing the children from making the same mistakes.

Focuses of the Perfectionist Parent

Perfectionist parents might not be such a huge problem if their focus was on something relatively innocuous, such as “I want to be perfect when it comes to my children knowing that I love them.” The problem is the perfectionist parents tend to be a little more invasive and focus on areas of life that are complex, personal and difficult.

What are these areas? They generally involve the parent’s greatest insecurity. While this will vary from person to person, recent research indicates that the biggest regrets people have about their lives are:

1. Romantic relationships
2. Family relationships
3. Education
4. Career
5. Finance

How many times have you met a parent who was obsessed with his/her child’s appearance, weight, education, athletic ability, talent, manners or friends? Might we be seeing the mom who wishes she attracted Prince Charming long ago, a dad with dashed athletic dreams or either parent pushing for greater social and economic opportunities for their children?

High achieving individuals may be more prone to wanting to correct these regrets in their children. The study author concluded:

“Paradoxically, the more opportunities you have, the more ways you can see how you could have gotten more . . . Opportunity fuels the regret experience.”

— Neal Roese, psychologist and professor of marketing at Northwestern University, commenting on his study, “Regrets of the Typical American: Findings From a Nationally Representative Sample,” in Social Psychological and Personality Science published online 14 March 2011.

Blaming Parents

Perhaps not surprisingly is the #6 entry on the regret list:

6. Parenting

Society finds no end of ways to fault parents for just about anything that can go wrong in children. While society is right to focus on terrible things like child abuse or sexual assault, the reach goes much further than this. Sometimes the research is scientifically backed. For example:

• Parent’s Military Deployment May Harm Kids Mental Health
• Dad’s Good Parenting May Help Daughters Avoid Risky Sex
• Too Much Weight Gain in Pregnancy Linked to Chubby Babies
• Fever During Pregnancy, Diabetes and Obesity May Raise Autism Risk
• Male Heart Disease May Be Linked to Mom’s Lifetime Nutrition
• Study Highlights How Moms’ Depression, Anger Stresses Kids
• Depressed Dads More Likely to Spank, Shortchange Kids

As a parent, guilt is inevitable. There is always something you could have done better that might have made a positive difference in your child’s life.  And sometimes you have to make the best of a set of bad alternatives.

Coping Mantras

The “truth” is that there are advantages and disadvantages to every parenting method and that by pursuing one option you are nurturing certain qualities in your child but neglecting others. There is no “perfect” option. What works for one child will be a disaster for another. We are all unique people and being a little imperfect in some area is what makes us interesting.

For the perfectionist parent, it may be helpful to remember the following:

• My child will inevitably make mistakes. It is not my role to prevent all of these mistakes but rather to help my child pick up the pieces and reiterate my love for my child even in times of failure.
• Someone will always criticize the job I am doing as a parent. I will selectively listen to these criticisms but won’t let them destroy my confidence in my own parenting.
• My child may have vastly different interests and opinions than I do and my job is to encourage those interests rather than impose my own.

For the child trying to cope with perfectionist parents, it may be helpful to remember the following:

• Many times, parental criticism has nothing to do with you and is just a reflection of the parent’s own insecurity or past hurts. It’s OK to remind parents of this once in a while, such as by saying, “Mom, I know that achieving _____ is important to you but it is not important to me.”
• Severe perfectionism, without professional mental health counseling, is unlikely to get better on its own, no matter what you do or how “perfect” you try to be. Accept that your parent is imperfect due to his/her perfectionism, try to ignore negative comments and surround yourself with other positive influences through extended family and friends. If necessary, distance yourself from an overcritical parent.
• Many perfectionists see the world very rigidly and believe there is only one “best” way to achieve a goal. If you are pursuing a different path, don’t expect a lot of support from your parents. In the end, if you are successful, you will have the opportunity to teach your parents that there are many ways to success and your relationship with them may ultimately improve. Remember, your parents are learning too and there are ups and downs in all long-term relationships.

Have you been on the receiving end of parental blame? What regrets do you have that you recognize you are trying to correct in your children? What coping mantras would you add to my list? Please share in the comments.